’Twas the Night Before Christmas — a modern take
’Twas the night before Christmas, all was quiet and nice
Not a creature was stirring, not even an IoT device;
The stockings were hung by the chimney without fail,
In hopes that St. Nicholas had received his email;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of TikTokers danced in their heads;
And mamma watching reels, and I on LinkedIn,
Had just settled down with a nice Christmas gin,
When out on the lawn a noise caused me much terror,
I thought the robo-mower had developed an error.
I knew what I needed to do in a snap,
On my phone I switched to the CCTV app.
The infrared images captured on screen
Lent the mid-day objects on my lawn a strange green,
When, what to my rendered display should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Just watch for security that may make us fall!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of gadgets, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I stared at my phone, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed in faux fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of gizmos he had in his hands,
Like an Apple Genius in front of their stands.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His joyfulness spread and his smile overflowed,
And the beard of his chin was as white as light-mode;
The nicotine patch I could see on his arm
(because smoking is bad and causes much harm);
He had a broad face and a Dad bod for sure,
That amply filled his red festive couture.
A right jolly old elf, he was chubby and plump,
And the shutter-click noise from my phone made me jump;
A shake of his head and his threatening smirks,
Told me not to upload it to social networks.
He spoke not a word, but placed all the devices,
In stockings; I baulked at the sum of the prices,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, I was completely engrossed,
And away they all flew like a hot Facebook post.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!